


An Endless Barrel

by Maplestrip



Category: El Goonish Shive
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, F/M, Gen, Gender Issues, Genderbending, Genderfluid Character, Other, Parent-Child Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-28
Updated: 2020-01-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:15:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22447795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maplestrip/pseuds/Maplestrip
Summary: Tedd figured out how to come out to his father: it is the custom of his family, after all.
Relationships: Grace Sciuridae/Tedd Verres
Comments: 12
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

It took Tedd much too long to figure out what his father expected him to do. Really, once he finally realized two weeks ago, he slapped himself for not thinking of it sooner. After months of anxiety, his path was finally clear. However, in these two weeks, there was much to do. His research spanned blog posts, Tumblr memes, peer-reviewed journals, literature, and Wikipedia ‘talk page’ discussions. Grace was an incredible help, though her concept of “reliable sources” took some getting used to. Sarah got quite skilled at academic research in the past two weeks as well, especially because her spell allowed her to read over a dozen relevant books in such a short timespan. Sarah was also able to print on large sheets of A1 paper; the images came out absolutely perfectly. Tedd briefly considered using her father’s spell for this purpose, but she decided not to.

Now it is finally the day. It is a Saturday afternoon, 1:55 PM, and Tedd has spent the entire morning in the basement stressing out, though the accompaniment of Grace and Sarah greatly alleviated Tedd’s tension. A quick phonecall with Elliot also helped, even if her best friend couldn’t do much more than wishing Tedd luck and assuring her that she can do it. He also said the lab trio would be welcome to come by his house later if they wanted to, something Tedd very much hopes won’t be necessary.

As the clock ticks over to 2 PM, Grace transforms into her full small squirrel form and perches herself on Tedd’s shoulder. She wants to be there for her girlfriend, but she also wants to minimize her inclination to interject. Grace nuzzles Tedd’s cheek as she slowly ascends the basement stairs. Ever the workaholic, Tedd’s father Edward is typing an email in his office. He hasn’t had quite as much to do since he got “promoted”, but he still has hundreds of contacts to keep in touch with. Tedd stood in the hallways for almost a full minute before finally working up the courage to knock on the open door and peak inside. “Dad..?”, Tedd calls for her father softly and insecurely. Edward stops typing and responds promptly. “Yes, son?”

Tedd had practiced the words she intended to say at this moment the entire morning, but meeting her father’s gaze and hearing her father’s reply made her freeze up and stumble on her words.

“Can you.... walk downstairs? With me? To the basement, I mean.”

Tedd went off-script, but the message comes across. Probably noticing Tedd’s nerves, Edward gets up from his computer and follows his daughter down into the basement. Sarah is sitting on the right corner of the couch, facing a flipover whiteboard, waving weakly at Edward as he makes his way down the stairs. Tedd takes position next to the whiteboard and wordlessly points at the empty space on the couch. Edward sits down.

Tedd silently stands in front of her father and Sarah for ten seconds. Sarah gives an encouraging thumbs-up, squirrel!Grace pats Tedd’s cheek. Tedd coughs awkwardly, then points at the first sheet on the flipover whiteboard. “Gender identity and the queer experience,” she reads. “In order to create a better understanding our... relationship... I want to give a presentation about genderfluidity. This presentation will take an hour and a half please keep your questions until the end of the presentation.” Tedd is breathing irregularly, and Sarah in “the audience” makes slow, deliberate hand movements to remind her to breath calmly.

Tedd takes a deep breath. In..... and out.....

She flips over to the next slide. “Part one, background.”

In the next 90 minutes, Tedd talks about gender identity, gender expression, the gender binary, gender dysphoria, the history of the LGBT community, queer experiences, discrimination, LGBT fiction, and finally, her personal experience being genderfluid. The presentation was perfectly prepared, though Tedd did stumble over her words several times, forgot to turn over to a new sheet several times, fell quiet for a full minute while talking about queer experiences and discrimination, and accidentally skipped a whole paragraph of information. But in the end, she stayed calm. And she came out to her father.

“Do you have any questions?” Edward sat in silence for ten seconds before standing up. He then proceeded to hug Tedd, and says: “I could not have wished for a better daughter.” Tedd’s dad, always stoic, is crying. Tedd herself is crying too, hugging her dad back.

“That... that was the best piece of exposition I have ever heard. Thank you, daughter, I am so sorry.”


	2. Chapter 2

The next day, Tedd is a boy again. He gets up out of bed, puts on his shirt and pants and glasses, and goes downstairs for breakfast. Grace is already there, eating cereal in her half-squirrel/half-human form. His father is also sitting there, reading a newspaper. “Morning, son,” he says, as if nothing happened yesterday. Honestly, this is exactly how Tedd liked it, feeling uncomfortable with the idea of talking about his gender again with his father, perhaps irrationally. Grace looks at the two men in her life, not sure how she feels about their nonchalant silence.

The day passes uneventfully, and Tedd has a good night rest before waking up again early on Monday morning. He’s again the third person downstairs, eats his breakfast with his father and Grace, and then leaves for school.

Tuesday morning, Tedd’s alarm goes off. He is still a boy. This marks over 48 hours of being a guy. It’s not unusual for Tedd to stick to one gender identity for several days, but this following directly after coming out to his father... Tedd is starting to feel anxious. And silly.

_What if... what if dad thinks I lied to him?_

_Will he think I just made up being genderfluid?_

_Maybe he’ll think it was all just a big ruse?_

_Wait... am I really fluid?_

_Did I just... make up my being genderfluid?_

_How can I be sure?_

_I don’t want to be a girl._

_Am I just that big a pervert?_

_Am I a big faker?_

The half-asleep Tedd Verres is sweating profusely, and begins hyperventilating in bed.

_Did I lie to dad?_

The snoozed alarm goes off again and Tedd jumps out off bed quickly. He wipes away a stray tear and gets dressed. _Regardless of how I feel, I’m not going to be late for school over this._

Entering the kitchen, Tedd feels as though his father is staring at him. Is his “morning, son” weirdly pronounced? _Am I just imagining it?_ Tedd sits down and eats his breakfast, trying not to make eye contact with his father or his girlfriend, feeling a shame coming from a place he can’t access. He hurriedly left for school without telling Grace or his father goodbye.

Around Elliot and Sarah he is feeling more comfortable, like he doesn’t need to prove anything to them. They didn’t know he hadn’t been a girl for days; he’s pretty much always a boy in school anyway. He calms down a bit during the day, but the negging feeling does not halt.

After school, he descents into the basement to meet up with Grace, who is playing some real-time strategy game on the computer. As soon as Tedd entered the room, Grace pauses her game and walks over to Tedd to hug him. She knew something was wrong based on Tedd’s behavior that morning, and may have stressed out over it at school. “Is something wrong, Teddy?”

“It is silly, it is nothing,” Tedd just says absentmindedly, and he sits down on the couch. Grace sits down next to him. “Something is clearly bothering you so it’s not silly.”

To Tedd, this feels like a confirmation that his worries are legitimate. But he logically knows he’s being silly. He’s often gone over a week locked in one gender identity. He isn’t suddenly becoming cis, that’s not how it works! But how can he possibly be sure? He doesn’t feel like a girl at all right now. The idea of being perceived as a girl right makes him feel dysphoric. “Tedd, what’s wrong?” Grace looks at her boyfriend with tears in her eyes. Tedd couldn’t possibly keep her in the dark.

He tries to explain his feelings, his worries. Grace interjected multiple times: “Your dad would never think that!” “You’ve been a boy for much longer before!” “You don’t have to be a girl all the time!” These are all things Tedd already knew, but they didn’t disprove or dispel his worries at all. His speech gets less comprehensible and he starts to cry.

Grace grabs her boyfriend’s face in her hands and makes eye contact. “Tedd, if you tell me that you are not genderfluid, I accept that. Because Tedd, I accept you no matter what you are. You are a person, the most important person in my life, and I love you. And dad loves you too. No matter who you are. It is alright to be a boy or a girl or a man or a woman or none of those; you’re _you_. Don’t overthink it so much! You can think about your gender for weeks and talk about it for hours but in the end the only thing that matters is that you can be whoever you want to be. It’s alright, it’s.... it’s alright Teddy it’s alright.”

Tedd didn’t respond. He wouldn’t have been able to through his tears and sobbing. He just hugged his girlfriend, for what felt like hours.

The rest of the afternoon was spent chatting about lighter topics. Tedd’s dad prepared a good potato salad, having gone on a bit of a health kick after his “promotion.” Tedd likes his father’s cooking quite a bit. Just after sitting down at the dinner table, Tedd feels her spell activating, and she feels herself transform. Her magic often noticed a shifting in gender identity before she did herself, and if she’s feeling safe and comfortable, her spell can activate before she even notices. Edward doesn’t seem to respond at all, either not noticing the transformation or... simply not minding?

Grace smiles at her girlfriend, and the three dig into their meal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea for part one of this story (Tedd coming out to his father through an endless barrel of exposition) was originally thought up communally on the _El Goonish Shive_ Discord server. Connecting this idea with more personal experiences of being nonbinary inspired me to write this story. I hope I managed to ride the line between a somewhat silly concept and serious depiction of coming out and gender insecurity.
> 
> Also writing this fic in the present tense was definitely a mistake, but this _is_ my first fanfic in nearly a decade so...


End file.
